Bored with the Ring
by Thorn Dew'Pearled
Summary: Yet again a parody that does neither the movie nor the book any justice, but I think it's a bit of fun
1. Our Story Begins

The inescapable, greatly dreaded author's note: Hello again fanfictioners! You are probably getting sick of me by now, but hey! I have an account here and I am going to use it and none of you can stop me MWA HA HA HA *cough cough choke* Ahem . does anyone have a Soother handy? A strepsil would be good. Anyway, I thought that seeing as my dark and depressing side still needs a little fine tuning I'd spend the rest of my humour here. As always, all reviews are appreciated!  
Our story starts milleniums ago, when many things that should have been remembered were forgotten...  
  
There is a big war. Gil-galad and Elendil are marching their Elves and Men against Sauron's dark forces  
  
Gil-galad: Hey, whats the time?  
  
Elendil: I've forgotten. When's your wifes birthday?  
  
Gil-galad: I've forgotten. Who's that?  
  
Elendil: I've forgotten  
  
The Black Gates open. Something steps out  
  
Gil-galad: Is that a mutant hedgehog or a drag queen gone wrong?  
  
Elendil: I have no idea. Looks like a cross between both  
  
Something: Quiet, you fools! It's not my fault they stuffed my cosmetic surgery  
  
Gil-galad: Sauron? Is that you?  
  
Something: Yes, dammit!  
  
Gil-galad: Oh, I would have never recognised you  
  
Sauron: Shut up!  
  
They have a big thumb war. Gil-galad and Elendil are defeated!!!  
  
Elendil: Well, that's that  
  
Gil-galad: Feel like a beer?  
  
Elendil: Do I ever!  
  
They walk away laughing and clapping each other on the back  
  
Isildur, Elendil's son, gets angry and avenges his Dad. Sauron gets his finger chopped off and hides in his room for the rest of the day  
  
Isildur takes Sauron's ring  
  
Isildur: Cool! This should fetch a good price at Cash Converters. Might even be able to buy a Playstation!  
  
He goes away to sell the ring. He drops the ring down the gutter. It is lost in the sewrage system  
  
Isildur: NOOOO!  
  
(Fast Forward)  
  
In Hobbiton, the hobbits are getting ready for Bilbo's big party  
  
Scary organ music is playing  
  
Someone throws their boot through a window in Bag End  
  
Someone: SHUT UP!  
  
Frodo is knocked off his stool  
  
Frodo: Ouch, dammit!  
  
Bilbo: Frodo lad, have you seen my bunny slippers?  
  
Frodo: No, weren't they under the bed...uh-oh!  
  
They run to Bilbo's bedroom and look under the bed  
  
Bilbo's bunny slippers are there with lots of little bunny slippers  
  
Frodo: Never leave your bunny slippers alone together  
  
Bilbo: Oh, I won't have to worry about that when I leave tonight  
  
Frodo: (shocked) You're leaving?  
  
Bilbo: Yes, and you get everything  
  
Frodo: (relieved) Oh, that's alright then  
  
Bilbo: Oh, and the Cursed Ring I found when I worked in the sewers  
  
Frodo: Cool!  
  
There is a knock on the door  
  
Bilbo grabs his baseball bat, opens the door and whacks the person standing  
  
outside  
  
Bilbo: No more bloody relations!  
  
Gandalf: Dammit Bilbo Baggins! I'm not a bloody relation  
  
Bilbo: Oh, Gandalf. Didn't see you there! Sorry. Frodo, break out the Light Ice!  
  
Frodo: Okay!  
  
They sit around the table drinking Light Ice  
  
Gandalf: Yer, Bilbo! Congrad...*hic*...ulatons on your eleventy first birfday!  
  
Bilbo: Yer, Gandalf! Happy...*hic*...happy mother's day!  
  
Frodo: (who hasn't drank a lot) It's not mother's day  
  
Bilbo: Yay!  
  
He falls off his chair  
  
Gandalf falls forward and smacks his face on the frying pan, knocking himself out  
  
Frodo: Great! Can't wait till I can send them to an old age home  
  
The time for the party comes  
  
Frodo: Hi Sam!  
  
Sam: Hi Mr. Frodo!  
  
Frodo: Have you got everything ready?  
  
Sam: Yep, got a coffin, priest, congregation, and church organ on stand by, should the worst occur  
  
Frodo: Cool!  
  
Gandalf is setting off fireworks. One flys between his legs and blows up his robes  
  
Hobbits: Ewww!  
  
Bilbo walks up onto a platforn  
  
A huge groan goes up  
  
Bilbo: Ahem, I'm not going to waste time mentioning everyone here, so straight to the point...  
  
A hobbit: Get off the stage, you old coot!  
  
Bilbo: I like two thirds of you more then three fourths of a quarter from two deserve, and I like the majority of three quarters of four fifths to a tenth should be allowed  
  
Much confusion and glances exchanged among the party guests  
  
Hobbit#94: *SNORE*  
  
Bilbo: Alas, eleventy one years of which I spent a quarter in Bali and another third of in Kent is to short a time to live among such, um, hobbits. I regret to inform you that I am leaving now. Goodbye  
  
There is a big cloud of smoke. The guests cough. The smoke disappears and  
  
Bilbo is still standing there struggling with the Ring.  
  
Bilbo: Oh, um, heh heh...Gandalf!  
  
There is another cloud of smoke. When it clears Bilbo is gone!!! Everyone gasps  
  
Everyone: *Gasp*  
  
Sam: Wow! How'd he do that?  
  
Frodo rolls his eyes  
  
Everyone: Yay!  
  
There is much celebration. Frodo goes home. Bilbo is gone and Gandalf has his head in the fridge  
  
Frodo: Gandalf! What are you doing?  
  
Gandalf whacks his head on the fridge door and knocks himself out  
  
Frodo: Not again!  
  
Gandalf wakes up two hours later  
  
Frodo: He's gone, hasn't he  
  
Gandalf: There there my boy, these things happen  
  
Frodo: I don't care, I was just making sure he was actually gone  
  
Gandalf: Oh...  
  
Frodo: Where's the ring?  
  
Gandalf: Oops!  
  
He runs out the door and comes back a while later  
  
Gandalf: Here it is, Frodo  
  
Frodo: Where was it?  
  
Gandalf: In Bilbo's pocket  
  
Frodo: Cool!  
  
Gandalf; I must go now. I will return in a few years, just to add mystery and excitement to the story  
  
Frodo: Oh, okay. See ya  
  
Gandalf: Bye!  
  
He walks out the door, hits his head on the door post and knocks himself out  
  
Frodo: DAMMIT!  
  
He wraps Gandalf in present wrapping, ties a pretty bow around him and mails him to Isengard  
  
Frodo: There  
  
He goes to bed  
A few years later a big, battered package arrives. It has been previously unwrapped, beaten up, and then badly wrapped again. The label on it says 'Return to Sender'  
  
Frodo unwraps it. Gandalf drops out  
  
Gandalf: Ouch!  
  
Frodo: Hello Gandalf! Have a nice trip?  
  
Gandalf: Frodo, you forgot to poke airholes in the wrapping!  
  
Frodo: Whoops!  
  
Gandalf then begins to tell him about how he arrived in Isengard, was tortured by a now evil Sarumon, who beat him up with his stick, made him clean the chimney and returned him  
  
Frodo: *Snore*  
  
Gandalf smacks him with his staff  
  
Gandalf: Wake up dammit! You're supposed to be excited and scared and worried and stuff like that  
  
Frodo begins to prance around happily. Then he drops to his knees, cowering and screaming. Then he gets up and stares at Gandalf with a concerned look on his face  
  
Gandalf: What are you doing?  
  
Frodo: I am being excited and scared and worried  
  
Gandalf: I have a headache...  
  
There is a giggle outside the window  
  
Gandalf walks over and whacks the giggler on the head with his staff  
  
Giggler: Ouch!  
  
Gandalf drags the giggler through the window and dumps him on the table  
  
Gandalf: Dammit Sam Gamgee!  
  
Sam talks into his walkee talkee  
  
Sam: Fox Boy and Diseased Mule, I have been found. Don't give away your positions!  
  
There is a click from under the chair  
  
Thing under the chair: Roger that Gardener, I won't do a thing!  
  
Gandalf pulls the Thing under the chair out from under the chair  
  
Frodo: Pippin?!  
  
Pippin: D'oh!  
  
Sam: I told you not to give away your position, Diseased Mule!  
  
Pippin: How come I had to be Diseased Mule?  
  
Sam: Cause Fox Boy and Gardener were already taken  
  
Pippin: D'oh!  
  
There is a static noise from inside Frodo's cupboard  
  
Gandalf opens the cupboard. Merry rolls out  
  
Sam: Fox boy, you idiot!  
  
Merry: It went haywire!  
  
Gandalf: Caught you!  
  
Merry: Oh, but we were just conspiratoring  
  
Pippin: I thought we were going to fly Frodo's underwear from the flag pole  
  
Sam: Pip, we already went over that  
  
Pippin: D'oh!  
  
Gandalf: Conspirators, huh? Well, you have a new mission! Go with Frodo to destroy the One Ring!  
  
Frodo: Huh? You never said anything about that!  
  
Gandalf: Yes, well it would have taken days to explain. I'm due to defeat Sarumon in a chess match at two. Anyway, your Ring is evil. You must travel across Middle Earth to Mordor, and throw it into MOUNT DOOM!  
  
Lightning and Thunder begin  
  
Frodo: EEK!  
  
Others: Yay!  
  
Gandalf: It's settled then! Well, time for me to go!  
  
He whacks his head on the rafters and knocks himself out  
  
Frodo: Oh...!  
  
Pippin: Cool! A real mission!  
  
Frodo: It will be fraught with danger!  
  
Pippin: Cool!  
  
Merry: Cool!  
  
Sam: Cool!  
  
Frodo: Major!  
  
They look at him  
  
Frodo: I needed a new word  
  
Others: Oh...  
  
Frodo: To Mordor and Beyond!  
  
Others: CHARGE!  
  
They run out the door, waving their arms above their heads, before returning to pack provisions for the long journey  
  
What happens next? Find out next time on Bored with the Ring! 


	2. Leaving the Shire

The Hobbits have been wandering for two days  
  
Merry: That rock looks familiar...  
  
Frodo: So does that tree...  
  
Pippin: And that Black Rider...Sam! You've been leading us around in circles you stupid moron!  
  
Sam: But I'm not leading  
  
Pippin: Frodo?  
  
Frodo: Nope  
  
Pippin: Merry?  
  
Merry: Nope  
  
They all look at Pippin  
  
Pippin: Hey, I wasn't leading  
  
Frodo walks over to the Black Rider  
  
Frodo: Um, could you give us some directions please?  
  
Black Rider: Ssssuuuurrrreeee. Jjjjuuuusssstttt lllleeeetttt yyyyoooouuuurrrr ccccoooonnnnsssscccciiiieeeennnncccceeee bbbbeeee yyyyoooouuuurrrr gggguuuuiiiiddddeeee  
  
Frodo: What?  
  
Black Rider: Jjjjuuuusssstttt lllleeeetttt yyyyoooouuuurrrr ccccoooonnnnsssscccciiiieeeennnncccceeee bbbbeeee yyyyoooouuuurrrr gggguuuuiiiiddddeeee  
  
Frodo: Shut up and talk properly!  
  
Black Rider: Hey, I'm the one giving directions here. Just let your conscience be your guide  
  
Frodo: Oh, okay. Conscience says to go...that way  
  
He turns left and walks into a tree  
  
Frodo: Who put that tree there?  
  
Black Rider: Okay, now I'm supposed to chase you, on order of the coolest Dark Master in the universe, if your finished wandering hopelessly, of course  
  
Pippin: Yay, Darth Vader!  
  
Black Rider: No!  
  
Merry: Easter Bunny?  
  
Frodo: He's a good guy idiot  
  
Merry: Oh yeah...  
  
Sam: I know! I know! It's Doctor Evil, right?  
  
Black Rider: No!  
  
Frodo: Captain Hook?  
  
Black Rider: No!  
  
Merry: Big Bad Wolf?  
  
Black Rider: No!  
  
Pippin: It's gotta be Darth Vader  
  
Black Rider; No, you stupid idiots! Sauron!  
  
He launches into a song and dance routine  
  
Black Rider: He's big, He's mean He's the coolest Dark Master you'll ever see! He's bold, He's black He wants his One Ring back!  
  
The hobbits look at one another  
  
Sam: Who's he?  
  
Pippin: I have no idea. Darth Vader's the coolest!  
  
Merry: Frodo?  
  
Frodo: Nope, never heard of him  
  
Black Rider: He has an ad in the Yellow Pages  
  
Frodo: What, that window cleaning guy?  
  
Black Rider: Oh, forget it. Ggggiiiivvvveeee mmmmeeee tttthhhheeee Rrrriiiinnnngggg!  
  
Frodo: Nah, I'll keep it  
  
Black Rider: Oh, that's it, you're so dead!  
  
Pippin: Conscience says 'RUN!'  
  
They run away. The Black Rider gallops after them on his Black Horse  
  
Merry: Run for the ferry!  
  
They run for the ferry  
  
They jump onto it. Pippin unties the ropes  
  
Merry: Frodo's still coming you stupid idiot!  
  
Pippin: Oh yeah, oops!  
  
Frodo leaps for the ferry. He flys right over it and lands in the water  
  
Merry: Any minute now...  
  
Bubbles...  
  
Merry: Soon...  
  
More bubbles...  
  
Sam: Should we pull him up now?  
  
Merry: Might be a good idea  
  
They pull him on to the ferry  
  
The Black Rider comes galloping up  
  
Pippin: Halt!  
  
Black Rider: Wwwwhhhhyyyy?  
  
Pippin: Cause animals aren't allowed  
  
He points to a sign  
  
Black Rider: Ddddaaammmmmmmiiiitttt!  
  
The hobbits laugh and give him the finger  
  
The Black Rider throws a horse shoe at them  
  
It hits Pippin in the head  
  
Pippin: Ouch!  
  
Sam: Hey Merry, is Frodo breathing?  
  
Merry: Uh...no  
  
Pippin: Oh, he can't be dead!  
  
Merry puts a hand to his chest  
  
Merry: Poor Frodo!  
  
Pippin: No, he's not dead...he's just, um, asleep  
  
Pippin walks over to Frodo  
  
Pippin: Okay, Frodo, this isn't funny  
  
Frodo doesn't answer  
  
Pippin: You have to the count of three  
  
Still no answer  
  
Pippin: WAKE UP DAMMIT!  
  
He begins to kick him, and then jump on him  
  
Frodo: *CHOKE* Get off me!  
  
Sam: He's alive!  
  
Pippin: See, I told you he wasn't dead. I should be a doctor...  
  
Frodo: Pippin, you idiot!  
  
Merry: He speaks!  
  
Frodo: Help...  
They reach Bree. A man is standing by the gate  
  
Man: 'Ello, 'ello. 'Obbits, four 'obbits! An' what might you be doin' this night?  
  
Pippin: Wondering if you'd move your fat a...OUCH!  
  
Merry stomps on his foot  
  
Frodo: I'm Mr. Underhill  
  
Merry: I'm Mr. Halfway-Uphill  
  
Pippin: I'm Mr. Three-Quarters-Uphill  
  
Sam: I'm Mr. Overhill  
  
Man: Uh huh...  
  
Frodo: We're looking for the Prancing Pony  
  
Man: Tis two quarters of a kilometre left from two thirds up the main street off three quarters of four metres from this gate  
  
Blank looks  
  
Man: It's that way  
  
Pippin: What is it with all these fractions?  
  
Frodo: I think it's some new trend  
  
Pippin: Oh, okay. Three quarters cool!  
  
Frodo rolls his eyes  
  
They come to the Prancing Pony and enter  
  
Drunk men litter the floor and it stinks of smoke  
  
Frodo: Ahem...  
  
An old guy looks over the counter  
  
Old Guy: 'Ello little masters. An' what can I do you for?  
  
Frodo: Accomodation, bed and breakfast and private seating is cool!  
  
Old Guy: Okay, can I 'ave your names, please?  
  
Frodo: I'm Mr. Underhill  
  
Merry: I'm Mr. Halfway-Uphill  
  
Pippin: I'm Mr. Three-Quarters-Uphill  
  
Sam: And I'm Mr. Overhill  
  
Old Guy: Okay...  
  
The hobbits go and order beers  
  
Frodo: Light Ice please  
  
Merry: VB over here  
  
Pippin: I have a XXXX Gold thanks  
  
Sam: Coke'll do fine  
  
The others look at him  
  
Sam: Well one of us has to keep a clear head  
  
Frodo: Cool!  
  
Pippin: Two thirds cool!  
  
Merry: Pippin, shut up!  
  
Pippin: Two fifths okay  
  
Merry whacks him over the head  
  
Pippin: One whole OUCH!  
  
Merry whacks him over the head again  
  
Pippin: Three fourths DAMMIT MERRY!  
  
*SMACK*  
  
Pippin: Four tenths Uncool man!  
  
*SMACK*  
  
Pippin: One third GET LOST!  
  
*SMACK*  
  
Pippin: Two twelfths ergh...  
  
He falls onto the counter  
  
Merry: Four quarters Thank goodness. D'oh!  
  
Their beers arrive  
  
Frodo: That guy has been staring at us since we came in here  
  
He gives the guy the finger  
  
Frodo: Ha!  
  
The guy continues to stare  
  
Merry and Pippin (who has woken up) get drunk and start singing 'We Are the  
  
Champions!'  
  
The guy calls Frodo over  
  
The Guy: You'd better do something before your blasted pals reveal your real identities  
  
Frodo: What do you know about our real identities?  
  
The Guy: Your mate Gandalf came in here, got drunk and revealed the entire plot. I know how this stories gonna turn out, and all that's gonna happen!  
  
Frodo: Oh really?  
  
The Guy: Yep  
  
Frodo punches him  
  
Frodo: How come you didn't see that one coming?  
  
The Guy: *Groan*  
  
What happens next? Who knows! (Heck, I don't) Find out next time on Bored with the Ring 


	3. Strider

Back in Mordor...  
  
Sauron: Where's my ad in the Yellow pages? Oh, and where's my Ring?  
  
Ringwraith#6: Uh-oh...  
  
He runs out of the doors, leaps on to his horse, pays for parking and gallops off  
  
Sauron sticks his head out the window and yells  
  
Sauron: NOT HAPPY MAN! Uh, a little help here please. My damn head's caught  
  
Sarumon: Ha ha!  
  
Sauron: Help me or I'll cut your allowance!  
  
Sarumon quickly pulls him out of the window  
  
Some guy runs past with a sign saying 'O'Brien Glass Repair'  
  
Sauron: Dammit!  
  
Sarumon: Has Sauron got a boo boo?  
  
Sauron: Shut up moron!  
  
Sarumon: Okay, okay, I was just trying to help  
  
Back in Bree...  
  
Merry and Pippin are still singing 'We Are the Champions'  
  
Sam is still sitting at the counter  
  
Merry: Hey Pip *hic* what comes next?  
  
Pippin: I don't *hic* know dude  
  
They start singing 'Strawberry Kisses' instead  
  
Frodo jumps up on the table and starts dancing to cause a diversion  
  
Pippin: Yay Frodo!  
  
Frodo: Shut up you idiot!  
  
The guy, who says he is 'Strider', smacks his head  
  
Strider: Dammit!  
  
Frodo starts singing 'I Believe in Miracles'  
  
He whirls the ring, which he stuck on a chain, around his head  
  
Frodo: Where ya from, you sexy thang you!  
  
He blows kisses into the crowd  
  
He puts the ring on and disappears  
  
Everyone cheers  
  
Frodo appears next to Strider  
  
Frodo: How was that?  
  
Strider: It wasn't what I had in mind...  
  
In the morning, the hobbits wake up to find Strider sitting near the door  
  
Pippin: ARGHH!  
  
Strider: Shut up!  
  
Pippin: Okay  
  
Merry: Who are you?  
  
Strider: Let me introduce myself...  
  
He jumps up and starts a rap  
  
Strider: My name is Strider Yes I'm the real Strider All you other fake Striders Are bloody hard-tryers So won't the real Strider Please stand up Please stand up Please stand up  
  
Strider: Ring a bell?  
  
Merry: No  
  
Strider: I have an ad in the Yellow Pages  
  
Frodo: Are you that window cleaning guy?  
  
Strider: No  
  
Frodo: Damn! Who is that window cleaning guy...?  
  
Strider: Forget it!  
  
Pippin: I can't remember a thing...  
  
Merry: Headache...  
  
After Merry and Pippin have thrown up and been given Panadol, Strider decides it's time to leave  
  
Strider: I have decided it's time to leave  
  
Hobbits: Ooh!  
  
Strider: We make for Rivendell  
  
Hobbits:Ooh!  
  
Strider: Shut up, will you  
  
Hobbits: Ooh!  
  
They leave with 200 people tagging along behind them  
  
Strider: From here we enter a journey fraught with peril. You should turn back  
  
The people keep following them  
  
Pippin: We're going to Mordor  
  
The people keep following  
  
Frodo: To, um, to clean out...SAURON'S UNDERWEAR DRAWER!  
  
All the people scream and run away  
  
Merry: Cool!  
  
Strider: Um, you're not really going to do that are you?  
  
Frodo: I thought you knew the plot  
  
Strider: Well, you changed it last night so now I don't know what to expect  
  
Frodo: Heh heh heh...  
  
A few days later they arrive at Weathertop  
  
Strider: Merry, Pip, you set up your tent. Frodo and Sam, set up yours. I'll set up mine  
  
Frodo: Hey, how come you get a tent to yourself?  
  
Strider: Cause I'm the King  
  
The hobbits stare at him, then burst out laughing  
  
Merry: That's a good one Stride  
  
Strider: No, I'm serious  
  
Pippin: Yeah, and I'm Peregrin Took. Nice to meet you!  
  
Merry: Pip, you are Peregrin Took  
  
Pippin: Oh yeah...  
  
They burst out laughing again  
  
Strider: I feel a big headache coming on...  
  
He leaves  
  
The hobbits set up their tents  
  
Pippin: Merry, you don't stick that pole there! It goes like this  
  
*SMACK*  
  
Pippin: Oh, okay maybe it doesn't..  
  
Merry: $%#$!  
  
Frodo: Watch where you're swinging that pole Sam!  
  
*SMACK*  
  
Frodo: %^#$!  
  
Sam: Oh, uh...sorry  
  
Nine guys dressed in black come up  
  
Black guy#1: Wwwwoooouuuulllldddd yyyyoooouuuu lllliiiikkkkeeee ssssoooommmmeeee hhhheeellllpppp?  
  
Hobbits: Sure!  
  
The nine guys help the hobbits put up their tents  
  
Hobbits: Cool!  
  
Black guy#9: Ooookkkkaaaayyyy, wwwweeee'rrrreeee ssssuuuuppppppppoooosssssssseeeedddd ttttoooo cccchhhhaaaasssseeee yyyyoooouuuu nnnnoooowwww  
  
Hobbits: ARGHH!  
  
They run up to the summit of Weathertop with the nine black robed guys chasing after them  
  
Frodo: Dead end!  
  
Sam: Whadda we do now?  
  
Pippin: Conscience says 'SCREAM'  
  
Hobbits: ARGHHH!  
  
Nine guys: ARGHHH!  
  
Pippin: You guys aren't supposed to scream  
  
Nine guys: Oooohhhh....  
  
They pull their swords out  
  
Nine guys: Aaaallllllll ffffoooorrrr oooonnnneeee aaaannnndddd oooonnnneeee  
  
ffffoooorrrr aaaallllllll!!!!  
  
Merry: Hold your robes before they fall!  
  
He darts forward and slashes at Black guy#5  
  
Black guy#5's robes fall down  
  
Black guy#5: EEEKKKK!  
  
Hobbits: Ewww!  
  
Strider jumps in  
  
He is waving a torch and his sword  
  
He throws his sword arm back and hits Merry in the head  
  
Merry is knocked out  
  
Strider: Oops!  
  
Frodo is running around screaming with five of the nine guys behind him  
  
Frodo: EEEKKKK!  
  
Five guys: Aaaahhhhaaaa!!!!  
  
Frodo stops at the red light  
  
It goes green  
  
He runs off screaming again  
  
He falls over  
  
The five guys fall over him  
  
Frodo gets poked with a knife  
  
Frodo: Ouch you jerk! That hurt!  
  
Black guy#6: Ssssoooorrrrrrrryyyy!!!! IIII hhhhaaaavvvveeee a bbbbaaaannnnddddaaaaiiiidddd iiiiffff yyyyoooouuuu lllliiiikkkkeee  
  
Strider throws petrol on the nine and sets fire to them  
  
Nine: ARGHHH!  
  
They run around madly and then all fall of the hill  
  
Strider: Ha ha ha! Suckers!  
  
Pippin: Uh, Strider...  
  
Strider: Not now, I'm gloating  
  
Merry: Nah, you really should look...  
  
Strider: What?  
  
Merry: Your pants are...  
  
Pippin: On fire  
  
Strider: Wah?.......ARGHHH!  
  
He jumps around screaming  
  
Merry grabs a fire hose that happens to be on hand and sprays him  
  
Strider: Ahhhh!  
  
Frodo comes walking up holding his shoulder and cursing loudly  
  
Frodo: Ow ow ow! That stupid moron! You could poke an eye out with that thing!  
  
Sam: Mr. Frodo!  
  
Strider: He's been stabbed with a Playskool Blade. It is beyond my skill to heal. We must go!  
  
Pippin: Aw, but we ain't eaten...I mean we haven't eaten  
  
Strider: You ate just before!  
  
Pippin: Ah, but we ain't eaten now...wait, that didn't sound right...  
  
Strider throws Frodo over his shoulder  
  
Frodo: Ouch!  
  
Pippin and Sam follow dragging Merry  
  
Strider throws them each an apple  
  
Pippin gets hit in the head by one, and is knocked out  
  
Sam: Oh, great! I'm not dragging them all the way to bloody Rivendell  
  
Strider throws Pippin over the other shoulder and grabs Merry by the ankles  
  
Sam: Hang on, weren't we supposed to have a pony?  
  
Strider: They cut that bit out  
  
Sam: Oh, great!  
  
Next: Our intrepid explorers reach Rivendell, Frodo is ill, the Council of Elrond begins and more on Bored with the Ring 


	4. Rivendel

Frodo is becoming increasingly ill for no apparent reason  
  
Strider: Damn those Playskool Blades!  
  
They are waiting for a bus  
  
Pippin is on his knees waving his arms up and down  
  
Strider: Pippin, what are you doing?  
  
Pippin: Didn't you read the sign?  
  
Strider: What?  
  
Pippin: It says 'Hail Bus Here'  
  
Strider: Idiot  
  
The bus finally arrives  
  
Strider throws the hobbits into the baggage area and gets on  
  
Strider: One to Rivendell  
  
He sits beside a window, listening to the hobbits banging around underneath him  
  
Strider: Heh heh heh  
  
They arrive in Rivendell two hours later  
  
Some Elves in uniform see Strider pulling the hobbits out of the baggage compartment  
  
Strider is fined for child abuse  
  
Hobbits: Heh heh heh  
  
Strider smacks them over their heads  
  
He is fined again  
  
Hobbits: Heh heh heh  
  
Strider kicks them  
  
He is fined again  
  
Strider: @$#%! They're not even kids!  
  
Frodo: Don't be stupid Daddy, of course we are!  
  
Merry: Yeah Dad, you get what you give  
  
Pippin: Daddy!  
  
He grabs Striders leg and hugs it  
  
Strider kicks him off  
  
He's fined again  
  
Sam: Oh Daddy, you're so mean!  
  
Strider; Don't call me Daddy you little freaks!  
  
He gets fined again  
  
Strider; Okay...come along, kids, before Daddy loses all his money...  
  
Frodo: I want a lollipop  
  
Pippin: I wanna go home  
  
Sam: I want a pony  
  
Merry: I want Britney Spears  
  
They all stare at him  
  
Merry: Did I say that out loud?...Heh, heh heh...  
  
Elf#1: You get off with a warning this time sir. But we'll be watching you...  
  
Strider: Thank you kindly. Come along kids...  
  
He walks off with Pippin attached to his leg and the others skipping along behind him  
  
He pulls them into a corner  
  
Strider: I'm serious guys. Do that again, and I will flay you to within an inch of your lives!  
  
An Elf in uniform walks past  
  
Strider pretends to be cleaning something off Pippin's cheek  
  
The Elf nods and walks away  
  
Strider: This isn't a joy trip. I swear pain will be your friend if you pull off a bloody trick like that again! You will be wishing you were dead! Understood?  
  
Hobbits: Okay...  
Strider drags them out and takes them to the House of Elrond Halfelven  
  
Pippin: How can you be half elven?  
  
Frodo: Pippin, you are so thick  
  
Frodo stops and faints  
  
Strider: Not again  
  
He grabs Frodo by the ankles and drags him the rest of the way  
  
Frodo wakes up hours later in a bed  
  
Gandalf is sitting next to him  
  
Frodo: Gandalf! Where have you been?  
  
Gandalf: Well, I beat Sarumon at chess, and have been spending weeks recovering in hospital  
  
Frodo: Why?  
  
Gandalf: Sarumon isn't a very good loser...  
  
Frodo: Oh...  
  
Gandalf: We're going to be having a big celebration tonight  
  
Frodo: Why?  
  
Gandalf: Elrond felt like it. He's been trying to surpass the Gay and Lesbian Mardigra for years now  
  
Frodo: Oh...  
  
Gandalf: You almost passed beyond our reach  
  
Frodo: What do you mean?  
  
Gandalf: A few more minutes and you would have become an education happy Playschool host  
  
Frodo: ARGHHH!  
  
Gandalf: Yes, it was lucky Aragorn dragged you here in time  
  
Frodo: Who's Aragorn?  
  
Gandalf: Strider  
  
Frodo: Strider is Aragorn?  
  
Gandalf; No, Aragorn is Strider  
  
Frodo: He has a split personality?  
  
Gandalf: No, he is the same person  
  
Frodo: So Aragorn and Strider are the same?  
  
Gandalf: Yes  
  
Frodo:...who's Aragorn?  
  
Gandalf: I feel a headache about to start...  
  
Sam comes bursting into the room  
  
Sam: Mr. Frodo!  
  
Frodo: Sam!  
  
Gandalf: Sam hasn't left your side for days  
  
Sam: It's good to see you up again!  
  
Frodo: Where's Merry and Pippin?  
  
Sam: They had to leave. You started singing 'If you're happy and you know it' and 'Mary had a little lamb' and 'Incy wincy spider'. I thought it was too late  
  
Frodo: Well, I'm fine  
  
Sam: Yay!  
  
Gandalf: Go get ready for the celebration  
  
Sam: Okay. See you there Frodo!  
  
Frodo: Bye!  
  
Gandalf: So how was it?  
  
Frodo: What?  
  
Gandalf: Your journey so far?  
  
Frodo: It was alright. The Ring is really boring though  
  
Gandalf: Never say that, Frodo!  
  
Frodo: Why not?  
  
Gandalf: It's reverse psycology  
  
Frodo: Oh. Then the Ring is really exciting  
  
Gandalf: Much better  
Frodo and Gandalf get ready for the celebration  
  
Gandalf is wearing a really frilly robe  
  
Frodo: What is that?  
  
Gandalf: A little number from the 0050's  
  
Frodo: Gandalf, that was centuries...no, millienia ago!  
  
Gandalf: Don't question my fashion sense  
  
Frodo:...  
  
They arrive at the Hall of Parties  
  
Everyone is there  
  
Merry and Pippin dance over  
  
Merry: Hey Frodo! Wazzup?  
  
Frodo: The sky, the punch bowl...PIP! LOOK OUT!  
  
The punch bowl comes sailing over and hits Pippin on the head. He is knocked out (again)  
  
Frodo: Dammit!  
  
Gandalf gets asked to dance by an Elf  
  
He giggles and blushes  
  
Gandalf: Frodo, hold my purse  
  
Frodo:...  
  
Frodo looks across the room  
  
A really beatiful Elf is sitting on a chair. She's wearing a tight body stocking with glitter all over it by Hot Flashes, a silver hair piece and silver lipstick by Singin' Silver, and a long, flowing green cape with complements from Elven Wear by Bregolomiel (available at all good elvish clothing stores. Half price sale on now in Lothlorien. Hurry and grab a bargain)  
  
Frodo is struck dumb  
  
Merry: Frodo?  
  
He waves his hand in front of Frodo's face  
  
Frodo: Dah...dah...(drools)  
  
Merry slaps him  
  
Merry: Pervert  
  
Frodo: Wah?  
  
Merry: That's Striders girlfriend, lucky punk  
  
Frodo: DAMMIT!  
  
Anyway, so they party and have a lot of fun. Frodo soon forgets his heart break, he vents his anger by beating up Strider. Okay, so they're not doing to well...maybe that's an exaggeration...oh, forget it  
  
The next morning...  
  
Gandalf: WAKE UP!  
  
He slaps the hobbits awake with a towel soaked in a champagne bucket  
  
Frodo: ARGHHH!  
  
Sam: %^#$!  
  
Merry: Huh? Wah?  
  
Pippin: OWCH DAMMIT!  
  
Gandalf: The Council awaits!  
  
He walks away, trips on his robes and falls over the balcony  
  
Gandalf: ARGHHHH!  
  
Frodo: Ooh!  
  
Pippin: Someone's stolen my wallet! *cries*  
  
Later, Frodo and Gandalf, fresh out of ICU, are going to the Council  
  
Frodo sees an Elf who looks familiar  
  
Frodo: Hello. Have I met you before?  
  
Elf: Yes, you stole my cloak and ran around with it in your underwear last night  
  
Frodo: Oh...what's your name?  
  
Elf: Legolas Greenleaf  
  
Frodo: Uh..repeat?  
  
Elf: Legolas Greenleaf  
  
Frodo: (looks down) But you've got legs  
  
Elf: No, I'm Legolas, but I'm not legless  
  
Frodo: That doesn't make any sense  
  
Elf: My full name in Legolas Greenleaf. Make anymore sense?'  
  
Frodo: Oh! I get it! Leaves don't have legs...wait, but you do!  
  
Elf: My name is Legolas, but I'm not without legs!  
  
Frodo: Are your parents stupid?  
  
Elf: My name is spelt L-E-G-O-L-A-S! Not L-E-G-L-E-S-S!  
  
Frodo: Ohhh...who are you again?  
  
Elf: I feel a migraine coming on...  
  
Gandalf: Yes, hobbits have an uncanny ability to do that  
  
Frodo and Gandalf take their seats  
  
Frodo looks around  
  
Aragorn is sitting with some other guy  
  
Both are arguing about racehorses  
  
Legolas is sitting in between some elves, who are giggling and whispering  
  
Legolas: Oh, for Valar's sake, would you shut up?  
  
The elves stop whispering and start passing notes instead  
  
Legolas: Grrr...  
  
Frodo: I have a feeling this is going to be a long and boring council...  
  
Gandalf: Just wait until Elrond launches into his life story  
  
Frodo: What's so bad about that?  
  
Gandalf: His life began over 3000 years ago  
  
Frodo: ^&$%!  
  
Next: The Council of Elrond truly begins, Frodo meets the other guys (sadly), and the Fellowship is made. Tune in next time for another exciting episode of Bored with the Ring 


End file.
